Feedback…character or behavior?

 

If you know anything about the Gottman’s work, you know they have (accurately) identified and researched four major communication patterns that are destructive to your relationship.  One of them being criticism.  And boy is it a killer to your partnership.

 

I know some couples get stuck in either defending their criticism by calling it feedback or the reciprocal stuckness of a partner hearing all feedback as a character attack or deficiency.  Neither are good ones to be locked into.

 

So, in the interest of clarification, let’s take a moment to really discuss what’s considered feedback and what’s considered criticism.

 
 
 
 

Criticism is:

  • Verbal attack on one’s character or personality.

  • Sarcastic or passive aggressive comments.

  • Statements that insult or embarrass partner; not just in front of others.

  • Being inconsiderate or having a negative attitude when delivering information.

  • Condescending or belittling statements.

  • ‘Why’ questions that appear rhetorical.

  • Using exaggerating language (always, never, every time).

 

Feedback is:

  • Constructive and helps a person better understand problematic behavior.

  • Focuses on a situation, behavior or specific issue.

  • Information around desired change that’s shared in a neutral, kind or positive way.

  • Sharing how you feel and what you need versus focusing completely on partner’s behavior.

 

Criticism hurts and constant criticism destroys a relationship. Work to ensure you’re offering feedback and leading with how you feel and what you need.  Take the time to repair past patterns of criticism so that you can heal the damage this has caused in your relationship. 

 

I believe in the two of you.

~ A

 
Anna Osborn