Trust others to solve their own problems

I tend to be a sponge when it comes to soaking up others feelings.  Which has its good and its bad sides.  I think portions of that make me a good therapist, the ability to empathize and feel the feels along with my clients.  But it’s also something that I’ve had to learn to manage.  I can’t absorb everyone’s stress, worry and overwhelm and think that won’t come at a price.  Luckily over the years, I’ve learned to create a little layer between my sponge self and all the feelings out there just waiting to soak in.

For those other spongey type folks out there, you know how challenging this can actually be. When your mate or kids are going through a particularly tough time, it can feel the most supportive to dive right into the trenches with them.  Unfortunately, as most of us know, this rarely works out well.

My daughter had a situation at school a few weeks back where she definitely needed to solve the problem on her own.  As much as I wanted to rescue her from the situation, she also needed to figure it out on her own. Yes, I still offered support and encouragement.  And yes, I might have given her a few suggestions on how to approach the situation, but at the end of the day, it was her choice to figure it out or not.  And me spinning myself into knots about the whole thing wasn’t going to do much good.

I needed to trust her to solve her own problem.  To let her figure it out in her own way (or not) and let that be ok.

I see this come into play with the couples I work with in terms of them trying to solve each other’s problems.  If a partner is struggling with accountability, the other partner wants to create all the systems for them.  If a partner is struggling with communication, the other partner wants to do all the talking for them.  And as helpful as this may seem at the moment, it’s preventing the person that needs to figure it out from actually figuring it out.

Be the supportive person. Give encouragement and even helpful feedback. But at the end of the day, you can’t do anyone else’s work for them and it’s really important to trust others in solving their own problems.

Trust me, it really does work out better in the long run.

Until next week,

-A

P.S. If you’re struggling with worry and overwhelm about all the things you can’t control, please reach out.  I’m here to help you in healing those anxious parts.