How would you like it?

I am certainly not the only one who grew up hearing the old ‘How would you like it if…..?” comment from your parents.  You know the one that’s supposed to create understanding and maybe even elicit a little bit of empathy on  your end.

How would you like it if your sister spoke to you like that?

How would you like it if your brother didn’t share his toys with you?

How would you like it if I treated you that same way?

We’ve all been there and likely said the same things to our kids…and our partner; obviously inserting different examples and words, but you get the point.

Well, if you’re anything like me, I usually would respond to these questions with either an ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I wouldn’t care’.  Delightful…right?

The real trouble with this question, is that it’s intended to increase empathy and understanding when in fact it actually creates more distance and disconnection.

The truth is, the same stuff doesn’t affect us the same way!  And expecting it to, actually creates a big miss.

Next time your feelings are hurt, instead of asking your partner, ‘how would you like it if’....tell them how you actually feel.

Lead with how you feel and see how it shifts the dynamic.  Does it allow partner an opportunity to be empathetic?  If how you’re feeling is due to a behavior chosen by partner, then you can follow up with that information and hopefully be met with accountability.  

Slow down and share how you feel and what you need instead of trying to get your feelings heard by not actually sharing a feeling at all.

Practice this on the regular and see what change begins to take root.

Yours,

~ A