A statement by one is not an accusation of the other.

When I come home at the end of the day and say I’m hungry, it by no means implies my husband or kids are full. And if I share that I’m tired, it doesn't mean they’re full of energy.  Me sharing how I feel or what I need isn’t an assumption or insertion that they can’t also be feeling/needing the same thing.

And yet, the pattern I see over and over again in my office is that if one partner shares how they’re feeling or what they’re needing, the other one assumes that they’re being accused of the opposite.

Example 1:

Partner 1: I’m just so exhausted from working all day.

Partner 2: So, you’re saying I don’t work all day?!

Example 2:

Partner 1: I feel like when I’m talking, you’re just not hearing me.

Partner 2: So, you think you’re the best at listening then!

Tell me this looks familiar to you? Because it’s a pattern that can be pretty common.  And it also reflects a level of strain in your communication.  If you share how you feel or what you need and it gets heard as an implication that the other one can’t also need/feel similar, you need to work to rework this in your communication.

The health of your relationship depends on the two of you’s ability to hear each other’s needs and feelings independent of one another.  One partner can feel or need something and it isn’t an accusation that the other can’t also need/feel the same.  

Work to rewire this part of your communication and begin to see how you hear each other much differently.

I’m cheering for you.

~ A