Less ‘why’ and more ‘how’

I’m a big podcast listener and full disclosure most of it is around mystery and true crime.  For whatever reason I can listen to intense or severe stories, but I don’t like to watch shows or read books about them…odd I know.

My favorite types of true crime podcasts explore more of the ‘how’ and less of the why’.  And it probably has a little to do with how I operate as a therapist. 

Let me explain.

I think our human nature, when something bad happens, is to want to understand the ‘why’.  Part of that may just be because we are curious beings, but the main reason is typically because we want to ensure it never happens again (or never happens at all).  When you know ‘why’ something happened, you can reassure yourself that you are ‘different’ from the individual this terrible thing happened to, and you feel a whole lot safer.  Which isn’t really true, but your psyche prefers it.

But oddly, knowing the ‘why’ doesn’t help as much as you think it does.

The problem is, when you focus on the ‘why’ it can end up feeling blaming or deflecting in its exploration.  The ‘why’ is usually a theory on why the painful thing happened, but it’s not concrete and actually flawed in its explanation.

There are likely painful things that have happened in your own life and/or relationship that you’re struggling with determining the ‘why’.  It’s because you want to ensure it never happens again.  Broken trust, betrayal, hurt…you get the idea.

But this is actually the reason ‘how’ is so much more powerful when it comes to healing hurt.  The ‘how’ allows you to determine a lot of things that can lead you to healing.

How will we overcome this?
How will we ensure this isn’t repeated?
How will this define us?
How have I overcome really hard things in the past?
How am I feeling and what do I need to feel supported?

You can start to see the power of ‘how’ versus ‘why’.

If you’re struggling with the ‘why’ or even feeling stuck by it, reach out.  I’m here to support the two of you as you actively move from ‘why’ to 'how’.

We got this.

-A

*Disclaimer: ‘Why’ is an important part of the healing process, but being able to move through the ‘why’ and into the ‘how’ allows for the next stage of healing to also take place.